Ghetto Game Reviews, Comedy, and a Podcast

It is with a heavy heart that I put my hand on the keyboard to post up the final episode of the Ballscast. This week Dustin, The Jaded Gamer, Ballsrog, and Shepard talk about Rage, Duke Nukem Forever, and Resident Evil 5 for some reason. Then after a song about Mass Effect, we sing Shepard off and drop the curtain to tell the story of how an albino hobbit, an alcoholic nerd, and their friends put together the Greatest Podcast of All Time. Live, laugh, cry, and come back in two weeks to find out what we’re doing next.

The Ballscast — Ep18: Balls Out!

In this episode:

Dustin (@thisdustin)
Jaded Gamer (@iamfn2k)
Ballsrog (@ballsrog)
Shepard

Dustin jumps on the bandwagon and asks his favorite actress out in the only way he knows how… in song!

Games I look forward to in 2012 beside Mass 3, is quite the list. So here it is. Max Payne 3, watch the trailer, hear the music… chills. After watching the newest in-depth “making of” trailer on Psn there is no doubt this game looks fucking awesome. The bullet physics and wound technology here is mind-blowing alone, the euphoria engine is looking up for Rockstar. DmC will hopefully be an epic remake of Dante’s return that can’t be overlooked. Ninja Theory does amazing work, can’t wait to see what they do with this franchise. Plus, there is always the Dmc Hd collection to play! Ninja Gaiden 3 will be on my watch for sure. I’m a huge fan of Black and 2, but.. if they make it easier it will be a true shame. From what I have seen the added quick time events and no dismemberment has me worried to what their doing to the “newer” franchise now that Itagaki-san has left. Metal Gear Rising looks awesome, reborn development with Platinum games is such a great idea. Though it is not 100% cannon, I still have respect for it. Raiden is well worthy of having his own full-out action game without Snake by his side, or should I say on the codec. Plus, I heart what they did with Bayonetta! Tomb Raider looks sexy and I hope to God they bring something new to the table in the action/adventure category. I want to say Ghost Recon, but, *whispers* “but I think they fucked it up!” Bioshock Infinite is a total “flip the script” deal that I can’t wait to get my hands on, ride the rails son. Operation Raccoon City… I really don’t know what to think of you at this point? Made by the team that made Socom Confrontation, I still don’t get what the core game is here. Seems like all we see in gameplay is the online aspects to the game, I’m not really into that. So I want to see what the single player is all about. Hope its just not a team death match with zombies in the middle, yuk. I was a huge fan of Alan Wake, was such a good time. To see that their expanded on Wake’s universe gets me pumped. Remedy makes some killer narrative mixed in with good game mechanics. Though the game I believe will be only a download, which sucks, I’m still 100% on board! Counter Strike: Global Offence, yes! Though only a downloadable title, I have spent thousands of hours in De-Dust and Aztec alone. I think I even lost a girlfriend over these endless nights… shit! Silent Hill: Downpour for sure, but they have to fix some things since I last player her. I’m always down for some more survival horror game, Dead Space seems to be leading that genre right now. If it turns out to be no good there is always the Silent Hill Hd Collection. Lollipop Chainsaw could be something I would get into, but more has to be revealed before making that call. Kinect and Move, who gives a shit… Last but not least, The Last Guardian… Yep, I will just end it there.

When you think of disappointments this year most of you would suspect that this is an article about Duke Nukem Forever and how terrible it is. Well it’s not. To be a disappointment means that it had to be something that you were looking forward to, and at no point in my life was I ever looking forward to the Dukes shitty return! *ASS* Anyways, what was the biggest disappointment this year had to be BioWare’s’ Dragon Age 2. Coming from a studio, which we hold close to our hearts around this site, it was just beyond lazy! The design choices alone make this game just not even comparable to other past BioWare projects. Point one, enemies fall out of mid-air! like what the fuck?!! think about this in this setting, medieval times , yes there is some sorcery and witchcraft going on here but enemies literally teleport and spawn on top of you. It’s just lazy as fuck. There is no strategic placement for enemies at all, waves of dudes come out of nowhere. The blood in-game is something else, enemies explode! You could hit them with a 2″ Dagger and they would blow up like you hit them with a bloody RPG! Number 2, recycled levels. The dungeons (if you can call them that) are all recycled probably 2-3 times over the course of the game. They just close off one way/door and you go the other, some instances not even that. I mean to go through a fucking 40-50 hr game and have to see the same levels over and over and over…. GOD! Number 3, fetch questing. Now I don’t mind doing fetch quests in RPGs, but this is all you basically do the whole time, I mean 60% of the game. What makes it worst there is only 1-2 main worlds to explore and there so fucking boring! lol Number 4, they have loot called “Trash”, and guess what you can do with it! Fucking, nothing! Useless.  And last but not least Number 5 the story and your choices in the game. In the end anything you choose, means jack shit. If you went this way, it doesn’t matter. That way, it didn’t matter. It all comes to the same shitty ending. I did put 48 hours into this game, I did everything and seen everything this title has to offer. Compared to Origins, this game is pure lazy garbage. Origins at least had stories for every race and you could learn and explore the worlds within the fiction. The only saving grace here is some of the dialogue and interactions with characters, but that is just typical when it come to the BioWare charm. As for the pedigree of the company as a whole, this has made me think twice before buying their game right away. That whole “Oh shit it’s a BioWare game, no worries” Persona, has just been crushed for me. This project, I hate to say, even makes me a little nervous for ME3. Just saying.

Ballsrog is MIA, so Ashley educates Dustin and the Jaded Gamer on Canadian chips. Also, we talk about such games as The Old Republic, Super Mario Galaxy, and a bunch of other stuff. I don’t remember. I’m pretty drunk. Then they go into what they want from the next generation of consoles. So put this shit in your earholes, and we’ll be back in two weeks with the man, the myth, then legend himself!

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HAPPY NEW YEAR!

Greetings Gamers.  I got a bag of predictions I’d like to share with you.  WAIT! This is completely unlike any other “predictions” article you may/may not read on the internet.  You see, I did not take this seriously at all.  ENJOY!

 

Microsoft will announce the successor to the 360 with a 699 price tag and boast about it being “futureproof.”

A developer will either become a porn star or release a sex tape. $100 says it’s Cliffy B.

A class action lawsuit is launched on Sony via Gloria Allred for the Vita influencing teens to finger their own asshole.

Mass Effect 3 will debut and it will be a first person shooter… Starring Raiden.

A giant snowball will crush Colorado which the media will blame on a pre-teen’s Katamari fetish.

Fox News releases a NewsSim that will receive high praise from gamers stating “[Fox's] news style of being detached from reality fits perfect with the fiction set in most video games.”

Hideo Kojima decides to walk away from Metal Gear Solid 5 but announces he’s making Metal Gear Solid 6 which is the real cannon MGS5 because the other MGS5 was a VR mission in a dream Ocelot’s arm had. (Double spoiler alert.)

Assassin’s Creed 2012 will have a new protagonist. It will also be Raiden.

The Girl with The Dragon Tattoo is announced as a game. Players assume the role of Lisbeth Salander where they have sex, drink coffee and kick ass. 100/100 in Famitsu.

A Duke Nukem sequel is announced. End of joke.

Denis Dyack and Peter Molyneux announce a joint production on a game called “Over promise, under deliver.” It will be 6 games long with loot drops, gender bending and every game guaranteed to have over 1000 hours of playtime, 1,000,000 days I’ve motion capture and 60,000 parsecs of voice work.

Ballsrog’s penis is made into an episodic adventure game. It sweeps the VGA’s and replaces Call of Duty in the hearts of gamers.

Metal Gear: Rising will… The punchline is Raiden.

David Hasselhof eats a blu ray disc. My money is on Max Payne 3

John Carmack of Id software plays Halo for the first time and instantly launches a lawsuit for theft of intellectual property.

John Romero continues to remind people he made DOOM.

American McGee will announce he is making a twisted version of your childhood fairytale but will instead make another sequel to Alice.

Halo 4 and DOOM 4 come out as the same game.

I am alive comes out to rave reviews and will be sequelized every month thereafter in an effort to top Assassin’s Creed.

Another Leisure suit Larry game… Or just remake the first one again. HD is all the rage.

Crash Bandicoot or Conker will be the next to get an HD reboot.

ET, Porkey’s and Custards Revenge finally appear on Atari 2600 compilations.

Bioshock Infinite would have taken GOTY but it took an arrow in the knee.

A Jersey Shore game is released. It is mostly a Sims clone with gamers plotting out how much time is allotted to the gym, tanning and laundry but sells a million because you can punch Snooki.

Batman Arkham State will be announced. Mark Hamil will return as Joker. The tailer will feature cows shitting money, bleeding stones and thousands of the Joker’s henchmen beating up recently deceased horse.  Also, even less Harley Quinn!

A game starring a Muslim protagonist will spark outrage over “inaccuracy” because he will not be a terrorist.

Harold & Kumar: Chronic Fantasy 7: High in the Skyrim will become the best selling RPG of all time.

Dexter will appear on the Wii U. Wii U owners will then have to register at their local police departments. Nintendo will release a plastic attachment that does it 6 months later.

Because of their awesome fanbase, Nintendo begins to annualize their consoles.

It is revealed that the only owners of the Udraw are the ones who won it during a promotional giveaway.

The Jersey Shore game gets bought by EA and the Snooki face punch mechanic and fist pumping are both DLC.

In an effort to cash in on Trophy & Achievement whores, the first game with 1000 achievements will debut. The game’s length is said to be “no more than a coffee break.” And will retail for $100.  EA is holding production on twelve games with this model pending its success.

EA buys Konami and immediately charges gamers $2.99 for the Konami code.

Princess Peach will be in the next Dead or Alive volleyball game.

Nintendo will stop rubbing Ness in their fans faces and finally make a nextgen sequel to Earthbound. Though it will be retrofitted to the GBA.

The Agency becomes the new butt of vaporware jokes.

RPG elements will be put back into RPGs.

In order to have a successful annual franchise again, the next Tony Hawk will be a Call of Duty game.

Wesley Snipes and Nicholas Cage appear in every game so they can pay back the government.

The 3DS redesign will still require you to buy a special headphone adapter.

Nintendo’s new console will require you to bend over to start it. Nintendo claims the user is bowing but we all know what’s going on here.

George Lucas re-releases Lego Star Wars collection with 2 new scenes and five more minutes of gameplay.

GTA 5 is set in South Dakota… Or Fanning’s Bush in Rockstarland.

God of War 4. Kratos has one more secret. SPOILER… He’s been dead the whole time.

Man gets caught in stolen car with weapons and a prostitute. The media will obviously blame Charlie Sheen.

That’s it, that’s all I got.
The  Jaded Gamer.

Twitter: @IamFN2K

Dustin shows off his Christmas gift haul, a couple of days late.

Ashley discusses her Boxing Day purchases, and Dustin makes inappropriate remarks.

I got a shit load of games and a big as chocolate candy bar dat is 1 pounds heavy! Thats a lot of sugar so I can stay up all night and game! Even thou some games i got are not the best I still like to add them to the collection. Plus some are really not dat bad! Heres da list….

1.Duke’s Nukem
2.Kain and lynch
3.Kain and Lynch 2 dog days
4.GTA 4
5.Blood Drive ( really?)
6.lost planet extreme condition
7.Perfect Dark
8.Prey
9.Enchanted Arms
10.Mercenaries 2 world in flames
11.Prey
12.Alpha Proticol

The saying goes, never look a gift whore in da mouth right? Well I dont! so the only real suck ass game I have in dis whole set is ( get ready for it) fucking BLOOD DRIVE!!! yes Duke nukem is better than blood drive, its so hard to mustard the energy to play this fucking game mane! but 1 out of 12 aint bad right! happy holidays to yall! also lets me know what fucking games you guys got!

Ballsrog out dis bitch