HAPPY NEW YEAR!

Greetings Gamers.  I got a bag of predictions I’d like to share with you.  WAIT! This is completely unlike any other “predictions” article you may/may not read on the internet.  You see, I did not take this seriously at all.  ENJOY!

 

Microsoft will announce the successor to the 360 with a 699 price tag and boast about it being “futureproof.”

A developer will either become a porn star or release a sex tape. $100 says it’s Cliffy B.

A class action lawsuit is launched on Sony via Gloria Allred for the Vita influencing teens to finger their own asshole.

Mass Effect 3 will debut and it will be a first person shooter… Starring Raiden.

A giant snowball will crush Colorado which the media will blame on a pre-teen’s Katamari fetish.

Fox News releases a NewsSim that will receive high praise from gamers stating “[Fox's] news style of being detached from reality fits perfect with the fiction set in most video games.”

Hideo Kojima decides to walk away from Metal Gear Solid 5 but announces he’s making Metal Gear Solid 6 which is the real cannon MGS5 because the other MGS5 was a VR mission in a dream Ocelot’s arm had. (Double spoiler alert.)

Assassin’s Creed 2012 will have a new protagonist. It will also be Raiden.

The Girl with The Dragon Tattoo is announced as a game. Players assume the role of Lisbeth Salander where they have sex, drink coffee and kick ass. 100/100 in Famitsu.

A Duke Nukem sequel is announced. End of joke.

Denis Dyack and Peter Molyneux announce a joint production on a game called “Over promise, under deliver.” It will be 6 games long with loot drops, gender bending and every game guaranteed to have over 1000 hours of playtime, 1,000,000 days I’ve motion capture and 60,000 parsecs of voice work.

Ballsrog’s penis is made into an episodic adventure game. It sweeps the VGA’s and replaces Call of Duty in the hearts of gamers.

Metal Gear: Rising will… The punchline is Raiden.

David Hasselhof eats a blu ray disc. My money is on Max Payne 3

John Carmack of Id software plays Halo for the first time and instantly launches a lawsuit for theft of intellectual property.

John Romero continues to remind people he made DOOM.

American McGee will announce he is making a twisted version of your childhood fairytale but will instead make another sequel to Alice.

Halo 4 and DOOM 4 come out as the same game.

I am alive comes out to rave reviews and will be sequelized every month thereafter in an effort to top Assassin’s Creed.

Another Leisure suit Larry game… Or just remake the first one again. HD is all the rage.

Crash Bandicoot or Conker will be the next to get an HD reboot.

ET, Porkey’s and Custards Revenge finally appear on Atari 2600 compilations.

Bioshock Infinite would have taken GOTY but it took an arrow in the knee.

A Jersey Shore game is released. It is mostly a Sims clone with gamers plotting out how much time is allotted to the gym, tanning and laundry but sells a million because you can punch Snooki.

Batman Arkham State will be announced. Mark Hamil will return as Joker. The tailer will feature cows shitting money, bleeding stones and thousands of the Joker’s henchmen beating up recently deceased horse.  Also, even less Harley Quinn!

A game starring a Muslim protagonist will spark outrage over “inaccuracy” because he will not be a terrorist.

Harold & Kumar: Chronic Fantasy 7: High in the Skyrim will become the best selling RPG of all time.

Dexter will appear on the Wii U. Wii U owners will then have to register at their local police departments. Nintendo will release a plastic attachment that does it 6 months later.

Because of their awesome fanbase, Nintendo begins to annualize their consoles.

It is revealed that the only owners of the Udraw are the ones who won it during a promotional giveaway.

The Jersey Shore game gets bought by EA and the Snooki face punch mechanic and fist pumping are both DLC.

In an effort to cash in on Trophy & Achievement whores, the first game with 1000 achievements will debut. The game’s length is said to be “no more than a coffee break.” And will retail for $100.  EA is holding production on twelve games with this model pending its success.

EA buys Konami and immediately charges gamers $2.99 for the Konami code.

Princess Peach will be in the next Dead or Alive volleyball game.

Nintendo will stop rubbing Ness in their fans faces and finally make a nextgen sequel to Earthbound. Though it will be retrofitted to the GBA.

The Agency becomes the new butt of vaporware jokes.

RPG elements will be put back into RPGs.

In order to have a successful annual franchise again, the next Tony Hawk will be a Call of Duty game.

Wesley Snipes and Nicholas Cage appear in every game so they can pay back the government.

The 3DS redesign will still require you to buy a special headphone adapter.

Nintendo’s new console will require you to bend over to start it. Nintendo claims the user is bowing but we all know what’s going on here.

George Lucas re-releases Lego Star Wars collection with 2 new scenes and five more minutes of gameplay.

GTA 5 is set in South Dakota… Or Fanning’s Bush in Rockstarland.

God of War 4. Kratos has one more secret. SPOILER… He’s been dead the whole time.

Man gets caught in stolen car with weapons and a prostitute. The media will obviously blame Charlie Sheen.

That’s it, that’s all I got.
The  Jaded Gamer.

Twitter: @IamFN2K