Ghetto Game Reviews, Comedy, and a Podcast

Happy Halloween, bitches! Okay, I realize we’re a few days late, but we more than make up for it with quality! Dustin, Nick, Shepard, Ballsrog, and new permanent hooligan The Jaded Gamer come together on All Hallow’s Eve to talk about Battlefield, NPC’s we’d like to be, and game pre-orders. Also, we try not to rip on each other so much. See, we’re growing! Ballsrog also interviews a British dude and breaks out a new rap about Skyrim. So let your parents look through the mp3 for razor blades then scarf it down!

The Ballscast — Ep13: Trick or Skeet [ 1:51:02 ] Play Now
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The Ballscast — Ep 13: Trick or Skeet

In this week’s crew:

Dustin @thisdustin
Ballsrog @ballsrog
Shepard @spectorshepard
Jaded Gamer @IamFN2K

In two weeks: ENTER ASHLEY

Hey kids, if memory serves, there are folks on Wall Street right now, protesting the economy or something. I don’t know. I’ve been playing Dark Souls. But my understanding is that this phenomenon is spreading–young folk all across America are protesting corporate greed and the current status quo by holding up sheets of paper and pointing out that 99% of Americans are barely scraping by while the other 1% profit.
Well, we here at ballsrog.com have noticed that this is not just limited to America, or even to Earth. In fact, some of your favorite video game characters are getting in the action too!

All of the ballsrog.com writers have pooled their collective ideas together to create this awesome feature. Each writer has written a short piece about what their dream game would be.

Ballsrog: UGH!! my fav dream game would be the choice making of mass effect with the level up ness of fallout 3 with the fighting style of soul calibur or street fighter! it would have to be a open world sandbox skyrim world! with tons of humping… tons of it! it would be called Ballsout free! the game!

Dustin: I’ve had an idea for a game on the old mindgrapes for years now.  Imagine an RPG in which has no NPC’s… you could literally draft any person you meet into the game, from warriors to shopkeepers to quest givers.  A lot of these folks would be useless, of course, but you might be surprised to find that the eight year old girl playing with dolls in her parent’s house has the potential to grow into a powerful mage, or the old man getting drunk at the bar can train your knights to level up faster.  Different choices would drastically affect the outcome of the game to the point where my character’s love interest might be the final villain of someone else’s game.  The final confrontation could be a Final Fantasy style group of four heroes taking on the villain or even a Dynasty Warriors type of thing in which you’ve drafted hundreds of folks into an army to storm the castle.  I could play that game and nothing else for the rest of my life.

ShinyMetalDude: Tron is one of my favourite movies. The world has always seened awesome to me and I would love to see a really good game set in that world. I was thinking that an Arkham Asylum type of game would be great. The game would have awesome fighting mechanics that make you always want to keep playing, and a great story, combined with the awesome visuals of the grid. It would be pretty much be like Arkham City but set in the Tron world. So pretty much, awesome fighting mecahnics, really cool puzzles, a nice story and really good exploration.

Also, this is probably cheating but there is another game I really want made. It’s titled “Nazi Hipsters Must Die”, a 16-bit brawler where you go around beating up Nazi hipsters. It would have awesome graphics and some of the best music around.

Spector Shepard: As I recall, theres a missing article about The Chip Maestro floating about some where. So my dream game is a mash up of all my favorite NES games. It’s a Total 8 bit side scrolling action, 3D, RPG, first person shooter, with  tons of upgrades, many many kinds of customizing going on. Build your own guy stuff. Perhaps I could also play any NES guy I like super smash bro’s but better. The backround would be very lush with true 8 bit depth. Many secret worlds with lots of glitching and plenty of contra style codes. I would also want this game to be played just like the Chip Maestro, and use it to make music, with a midi or usb out cable,, so the midi notes can be played on a keyboard controller.

Vidyagamer: I would love a day where gamers can play together, no matter what
system they own. My dream game is a cross platform, multiplayer action
RPG with shooter elements. Think like a mix between fallout 3 and
borderlands. I would love to see an aspect where you could see what
missions your friends are doing, and drop into their games and help
them if you have the same mission. Something like 4 player co-op would
be awesome, but also It must have an open world, for optimal
exploration. Also for no reason at all except that I am mildly
obsessed with the badass look of them, there must be at least one
wearable gas mask in the game, somewhere.

WeskerJ: My game would be an old style Resident Evil game done in HD, with the setting of Re2 and 3, called Resident Evil: HD. The game would be made by Capcom of course and released on the Psn or in retail. The game would feature the full cast from those past games, to join the games together as one. Tank controls would be present with the addition of moving/strafing with shooting. The camera would be fixed just like the classic games. Art style of the game would be very dark like RE2/3 with high polished textures and the old run down town as the classic setting. The game would have a real sense of classic survival horror with zero odds and limited ammunition and be would be 25+ hrs long. It would feature a full out classic mercenaries mode with leader boards and tons of replayability all around. The Trophy set would be extensive and a trick or treat to platinum.

The Jaded Gamer: My perfect game would be a perfect storm of a horror game.  It would be a joint development by Team Silent and Tecmo starring a seventeen year old female protagonist who is unlikable.  Maybe she is mean, stupid or just a bitch but I would love a survival horror title starring a protagonist I couldn’t stand.  Don’t ask me why I would want to play as a protagonist I didn’t like, that is up to the developers.  The plot is kept to a minimal.   Girl goes driving and gets lost on empty streets. No people, just monsters.  Despite being unlikable, the protagonist is brilliant and will be able to learn new combat moves the more she practices new abilities.  The hook to this horror game is that the protagonist is at heart an innocent seventeen year old gymnast. So all her survival skills stem from being able to swiftly free run up and around the environment.  Having an ability like that would make traversing the environment more fun.  I think those developers would make a great free running survival horror masterpiece.

ThreePac Hunta: Shit son, I’m all about makin’ the ultimate FPS up here.  The game would be all like CoD but instead of fighting the same maps and the same rules every time, you could have a full on god damn war that updates every week!  Like you choose a side to begin with, then you go out and start fightin’ the enemy like a boss, and whoever wins each week is like “I’m killin your ass!” and the next week the frontline moves closer to the loser’s base.  The losing team has to do blow-up-the-superweapon missions, Return of the Jedi style, and the winning team has to do make-a-bunch-more-orphans missions to push on the attack.  Each year is like a season and at the end one side wins in a fucking Super Bowl sized final mission.  Winners get some kind of loot for the next season, and the losers get to look on with envy.  Because fuck them.

Dustin gets ready for a Halloween party… with no haul.

Here at ballsrog.com, we like to look back at the things we’ve done. So I decided to pull a classic Ballsrog video out of the metaphorical vault. Today we have Ballsrog’s review of 3D Dot Game Heroes. A 3D Zelda game, that isn’t actually Zelda.

Enjoy

This week’s exhibition is from artist “KodyKoala”, as we draw nearer to Halloween the amount of Halloween art increases. “KodyKoala” made an awesome custom Gameboy that looks like a zombie. To see more from this artist visit kodykoala.com

What do you think? Let us know in the comments section

Welcome back my followers of gaming goodness! I rented Rage, I figured Fallout and then some. I was sadly mistaken,it’s like Mad Max if he were a delivery boy! It started out with a cool premise giant big rock hits the Earth destroying 90% of the survivors. Yes it’s been done in more than a few movies, but it was cool in a game. You wake up one hundred years in the future. From then on you are mainly a delivery boy,going from same location back to the OTHER same location. Listen I know you have to level , but what is the point when there are no levels? It had some cool shit to kill mutants with pretty much what you expect from the company that brought us Doom. I think the ability to make shit and tune your ride is something that should be in ANY game like this. If you want 100 plus hours of Rpg heaven buy Fallout 3. If all you want is a one night stand that is shallow as most of the girls I dated in high school get Rage. I’m just trying to kill some time waiting for Skyrim. This game is far from the worst of wanna be Rpg’s. Graphics are great on the Ps3,as well as the voice acting. Still why waste 20 hours of your life just to blow shit up? I really hope Skyrim is as good as it sounds. Then again that’s what got me stuck renting this bastard for 5 days. Sometimes it’s better not to believe in the hype. Till next time, Fatesfool9.

Something clicks when you touch a new game, the excitement and anticipation, both mingling with that vivid mystery taste like our gums are bleeding due to the adrenaline. Heart palpitations and the sweats while we wait in line, and to be honest there are only a few games that will do it in a life time. One being the up and coming Skyrim, and the other in my opinion was Gears of War 3. Now we can go through this same ole song and dance, because I know you all have the game already ( seeing as this review is pretty late, and a long time coming ). So let me reiterate what you all know; this game is tits up. Hands down smooth and fluid transitions between what can only be explained as shotgun littered poetry.

Objectively, the game has it all, and looking from the outside in you would be thrilled to get your hands on this, even if you weren’t an avid Gears of War player since the 2006 launch of the first game in the trilogy. Which also was well received by critics and the fastest selling game on Xbox360 in 2006, not to mention the second most played game in 2007. Now in the beginning it could have been considered a first time fluke. When the time came of course, the second game didn’t sell as many copies, but it still held the same tried and true gameplay that we all loved. Though the online factor was still a bit buggy, we complained, some at the same time while the hardcore fans disputed quietly. Now that brings us up to speed, the first drop of blood was spilled into the waters, we had that initial taste of Gears of War 3 coming. Oh yes, it was like the second coming of Jesus Christ—and if you asked a 360 gamer if the rumors of the rapture, or those about Gears 3 were more important I will bet Gears 3 wins 10 – 1.

The game on its own had one million pre-orders, Gears of War 3 sold more than 3 million copies during its first week— higher than the previous two Gears series. At which point I have to give the credit to the Epic Games Team on their fantastic release of something so magical.

Gameplay, where to start? It is smoother than it has ever been in my opinion, between the dedicated servers that disperse weapon effectiveness evenly ( or so they say ) it has nullified the one significant weakness…the HOST factor. Which was like some sort of sick trick, a tasteless game of cat and mouse—like guessing which hat the Queen of Hearts was under, only with a shotgun pointed to your face. But worry no more! We are without those hectic situations, which include fretting fingers, and a sweat drenched brow. If only for a moment, which is carefully aided with our new arsenals! We will touch on that later though. Under gameplay we must also include how the Bot reacts to players, of which I must admit in some cases it has lacked, but overall depending on difficulty it is spot on. Especially in Multiplayer matches where Bots are subbed in for actual players. Though they lack in earlier stages in Horde, but sometimes a sneaky bugger can get the drop on you, and blow out your innards like custard.

Another polished trick is swapping weapons and ammunition. Talk about thinking a head, I must admit it has saved my arse one to many times as it is. I also appreciate being able to tag enemies; that comes in handy, even in traditional War Zone and Execution. Mostly its effective in Wingman, a two man teamed game mode that pits you against three other teams of two, in a race to fifteen kills.

Now to the arsenal, Epic Games did something nifty, though it is apart of the same formula. Regardless adding new weapons is always a plus, between the incendiary grenades which cause Damage Over Time, though if you hit someone spot on you can ignite them effortlessly. However, with all things it requires proper timing, and even more patience with learning how to use them. I have started to attempt at corralling my enemies with them, seamlessly guiding them into the spots that I want, or to help teammates. The Sawed-Off, or the GoWNoobTube, as I like to call it has completely dominated over multiplayer maps, probably the simplest weapon in the new Gears stock sets. Quite obviously a fan favourite due to its level of effectiveness versus the Gnasher at close-range. Down-fall is the trick of reloading after the first missed shot—while it has a wide spread Area of Effectiveness, it boils down to familiarity and timing. That is just to name a few of the weapons they threw into this gun toting orgy.

In the context of story telling Gears of War 3 supersedes the expectations set by the previous games. Effectively tugging at the heart strings, or pumping that needed adrenaline through your veins, making it seem like a brilliant scene from WANTED. Truth be told, I cried part way through the game, mostly because it was hard to come to terms with this being the end. Definitely a hard knot to swallow in light of the long road that I have walked, along side this game, and it’s many different chapters. Throughout this trilogy we have seen the depths of hell and come back, traversed the highest precipice to feel the wind blow through us; and only to stare death in the face. That is a story, there were no cheap shots, or cheesy lines, but instead they constructed something from nothing in the best ways possible. Painting a vivid picture of not only a wide spread plight, but something on a more introspective and personal level.

It’s a game for the ages, something we should cherish because it marks something significant—so I ask you one question: Where were you when you first became a COG?

Remember the scene in Metal Gear Solid where Grey Fox was smashing his face against the ground as he cried out to Solid Snake “Hurt me more!”  Did it turn you on?  When you step into an impossible challenge, do you shriek with glee at all the possibilities of death?  Well take your nipple clamps off and put the razor blades down because I have some games for you that will put some new pain in your life.  These are games that demand to beat you as you beat them.  Here they are in no order of importance.

PAUSE FOR DISCLAIMER: This is obviously not a review or critique of any of the games mentioned.  They are all really fun games that crush your soul and spit on your psyche.

Demon Souls

This game spends about two minutes pretending like it doesn’t want you to die before it makes you crap your pants.  Then you die.  When you discover that death is not the end of your journey, you as the user begin to get excited.  However, about five minutes later you will most likely die again.  Soon you keep respawning in the afterlife often enough that even the NPCs will call you a noob.
The game teases you by letting you think you are doing well before a monster (that looked identical to the last one) shreds your face in one hit because it was, in all reality, sixty million levels higher than you.  Back to the afterlife.
More teasing from the game comes from these glyphs on the floor.  Some of them serve as warnings to the player.  Others show video holograms of how a previous user died.  Now you get to see how you are going to die, but not see what does it… until you die.
What a delightful tea party.

Eat Lead: The Return of Matt Hazard

Somebody told me this game has a steep learning curve.  That is like putting a “Deep end” sign at the bottom of the ocean.  Did I just die during the tutorial? Yes. Did the character just make fun of himself for not being able to throw grenades? Yes.  So while the player is getting punished by endless shrouds of bullets, one of the game’s features is that the protagonist will spout “witty” one liners about horrible game design.  There is no putting it lightly; this game just kills the shit right out of you.  The enemies only know how to shoot you in the left cornea and you have to shoot them in the left nostril to score a clean headshot.  During some boss battles your only window to attack lasts .003 seconds.  And oh yeah, you’re out of ammo.  Have fun kids!

Shinobi / Ninja Gaiden / Bayonetta

These are essentially the same evils.  Whichever of these three flavors that you prefer, your penalty for screwing up is going to be abuse.  You will be abused a lot in these games.  If you miss one strike of your combo or fail to hit one finisher, you initiate Super Juju mode for the enemy in which every hit is a triple critical and casts reflect on itself. The dookie enters your pants at 1000 mph.  Shinobi gets additional props for having a sword that will eat your health if you don’t use it enough.  Using it, if you remember, only forces you into more situations of Super Juju.  Additionally Shinobi keeps sitting on your face without washing by way of its camera.  An entire level takes place as your move downward. The camera does not move that way.  What is at the bottom of the pit? Nothing but rich, spicy death.

Mirror’s Edge

This game is a brisk jog on a sunny day followed by a swift punch to the stomach as the sky turns to grey.  You run, you jump, you slide, you fall, you slip, you tumble, you trip, you miss and you die over and over again.   There you are, running on the rooftops.  Your every step is perfectly executed.  Every thought in your mind corresponding to a button on the controller which moves your avatar flawlessly to the edge of the skyscraper before you just sort of fall off the edge because you didn’t time your jump properly.   PROTIP: Do not play this game in front of people unless you are good. You will embarrass yourself.  This is Suicide Jumper: The Game.

God of War

God of War is always a slow taint tickle that turns into a full on dick twist.  You forget about how much fun you had in the beginning as the game just mercilessly and tirelessly beats your face off a rock until there is only a stump.  Then it pees on your corpse.   The more you play, the stronger the protagonist gets, at which point the game goes out of its way to make you look like a wuss.  You learned a new attack? Tough. You will not get a chance to use it because the enemy blocks everything and is unblockable now.

Super Mario Bros: The Lost Levels

Kicking you in the dick just for the sake of it.  This is exactly like the first Super Mario game, except it kicks you in the dick (or twists your nipples if you’re a lady).  There are levels without bottoms where most platforms are only one block with a Koopa Troopa on it.  You have to run and time your jumps like its Mirrors Edge just to reach the flag.  Why are there all these fire wheels under water? The game is trying to kill you.  Why can’t I see where I’m going to jump to? Because the game wants you to die.  And that’s when you pulled out the razors for the first time wasn’t it?

That is about all I can think of for now.  Naturally I’m not arrogant to think this is a complete list.  If I’ve missed any…  that sucks, because the article is over. Time to go home.

The Jaded Gamer
@IamFN2K

In which Dustin gives you a tour of the new site. And then goes to bed.