Remember the scene in Metal Gear Solid where Grey Fox was smashing his face against the ground as he cried out to Solid Snake “Hurt me more!” Did it turn you on? When you step into an impossible challenge, do you shriek with glee at all the possibilities of death? Well take your nipple clamps off and put the razor blades down because I have some games for you that will put some new pain in your life. These are games that demand to beat you as you beat them. Here they are in no order of importance.
PAUSE FOR DISCLAIMER: This is obviously not a review or critique of any of the games mentioned. They are all really fun games that crush your soul and spit on your psyche.
Demon Souls
This game spends about two minutes pretending like it doesn’t want you to die before it makes you crap your pants. Then you die. When you discover that death is not the end of your journey, you as the user begin to get excited. However, about five minutes later you will most likely die again. Soon you keep respawning in the afterlife often enough that even the NPCs will call you a noob.
The game teases you by letting you think you are doing well before a monster (that looked identical to the last one) shreds your face in one hit because it was, in all reality, sixty million levels higher than you. Back to the afterlife.
More teasing from the game comes from these glyphs on the floor. Some of them serve as warnings to the player. Others show video holograms of how a previous user died. Now you get to see how you are going to die, but not see what does it… until you die.
What a delightful tea party.
Eat Lead: The Return of Matt Hazard
Somebody told me this game has a steep learning curve. That is like putting a “Deep end” sign at the bottom of the ocean. Did I just die during the tutorial? Yes. Did the character just make fun of himself for not being able to throw grenades? Yes. So while the player is getting punished by endless shrouds of bullets, one of the game’s features is that the protagonist will spout “witty” one liners about horrible game design. There is no putting it lightly; this game just kills the shit right out of you. The enemies only know how to shoot you in the left cornea and you have to shoot them in the left nostril to score a clean headshot. During some boss battles your only window to attack lasts .003 seconds. And oh yeah, you’re out of ammo. Have fun kids!
Shinobi / Ninja Gaiden / Bayonetta
These are essentially the same evils. Whichever of these three flavors that you prefer, your penalty for screwing up is going to be abuse. You will be abused a lot in these games. If you miss one strike of your combo or fail to hit one finisher, you initiate Super Juju mode for the enemy in which every hit is a triple critical and casts reflect on itself. The dookie enters your pants at 1000 mph. Shinobi gets additional props for having a sword that will eat your health if you don’t use it enough. Using it, if you remember, only forces you into more situations of Super Juju. Additionally Shinobi keeps sitting on your face without washing by way of its camera. An entire level takes place as your move downward. The camera does not move that way. What is at the bottom of the pit? Nothing but rich, spicy death.
Mirror’s Edge
This game is a brisk jog on a sunny day followed by a swift punch to the stomach as the sky turns to grey. You run, you jump, you slide, you fall, you slip, you tumble, you trip, you miss and you die over and over again. There you are, running on the rooftops. Your every step is perfectly executed. Every thought in your mind corresponding to a button on the controller which moves your avatar flawlessly to the edge of the skyscraper before you just sort of fall off the edge because you didn’t time your jump properly. PROTIP: Do not play this game in front of people unless you are good. You will embarrass yourself. This is Suicide Jumper: The Game.
God of War
God of War is always a slow taint tickle that turns into a full on dick twist. You forget about how much fun you had in the beginning as the game just mercilessly and tirelessly beats your face off a rock until there is only a stump. Then it pees on your corpse. The more you play, the stronger the protagonist gets, at which point the game goes out of its way to make you look like a wuss. You learned a new attack? Tough. You will not get a chance to use it because the enemy blocks everything and is unblockable now.
Super Mario Bros: The Lost Levels
Kicking you in the dick just for the sake of it. This is exactly like the first Super Mario game, except it kicks you in the dick (or twists your nipples if you’re a lady). There are levels without bottoms where most platforms are only one block with a Koopa Troopa on it. You have to run and time your jumps like its Mirrors Edge just to reach the flag. Why are there all these fire wheels under water? The game is trying to kill you. Why can’t I see where I’m going to jump to? Because the game wants you to die. And that’s when you pulled out the razors for the first time wasn’t it?
That is about all I can think of for now. Naturally I’m not arrogant to think this is a complete list. If I’ve missed any… that sucks, because the article is over. Time to go home.
The Jaded Gamer
@IamFN2K
