Okay, I’ll apologize in advance for this one. Technical difficulties totally fucked up the second half of this one, so what we have here is the first half of a badass episode along with a Saint’s Row song and one particularly hilarious clip from the ruined second half. I promise next time you’ll get a better show, and it might even be on time! So download this shit and bear with us until next time.
I played that Portal son! I was all Balls deep in Aperture Science. I’m about to spoil the piss out of
this game for you.
So you start off and you’re all like “I wanna wake the fuck up!” But the computer is all like “No, you have to go to sleep you twat.” And I’m all like “the fucking fuck I’m gonna go back to sleep.”
So you go to sleep and wake up but it’s like YEARS LATER man! But you ain’t old because you was in son-of-a-bitchin’ cryo-sleep! And this little dude Wheatley is like “Imma break you out of here and we gonna escape!” So you get your ass a sweet-tits portal gun and you’re all like PYOW! PYOW! And you get past GLaDOS, like “I smoked that bitch in the past!” and Wheatley’s like, “Holy shit son you killed her?” and I’m like “I tore her balls off LIKE A BOSS!”
And Wheatley’s like, “Dude, that’s the shit. Don’t wake her up.” But then he totally wakes her up and she kills his ass! Crushes his head like it ain’t no thang! And then she’s like “I hate you but we’re gonna do science anyway.” So we go through more tests and shit. I put a block on a god damn button! I jumped on a boner-eating spring plate! Ain’t shootin’ no guns in here… only portal guns! Gotta use SCIENCE and figure that shit out!
And Wheatley’s not dead! He pops up in little holes and he’s all like. “‘Sup.” And then he breaks your ass out and GLaDOS is all like “lol come on back” and I’m like “Forget that, you genetic lifeform and disk operating system!” I broke the fuck out and then I broke the mother-shitting turrets and neurotoxins! And then I found GLaDOS and she’s like “Turrets fool!” and I’m like “Naw, bitch!” ANd she’s like “Neurotoxins bastard!” And I’m like “forget that, you aluminum jizz jar!”
Then Wheatley jacks his metal dick into the system and turns GLaDOS into a mother-humping potato! And I’m like where’s the chives, mother fucker! Next thing you know we’re getting our asses dropped into the bottom of Aperture Science where the years are always painted on the walls in case you forget when you are.
Then J Jonah Jameson is all like “Welcome to Aperture Science! Imma make you do some tests and shit.” Then you do more tests. Except the bridges are broke as fuck so you have to find your own way between chambers. Then you find GLaDOS potato and stick that shit on your gun and she’s all like “We gotta fight Wheatley” and you’re all like “okay” except you don’t really say that because Chell is mute as piss.
So you make your way up and this bitch Caroline is all like “Oh, Mr. Jameson! I wanna suck your dick because you’re so awesome” and GLaDOS is all “Bitch sounds familiar.” Oh, and you find a giant potato with your name on it from bring your daughter to work day. That might have happened earlier. Shit gets real in this game.
So you find Wheatley again and you’re like “Come at me bro!” and he’s like. “No. You gotta do this test first” only the test is easier than your mom when the rent’s due. Then you find Wheatly and you’re all like “imma stick my balls on you” because you ripped off GLaDOS’s balls in the first game and we all about SYMMETRY up in this bitch. Except you get your ass hurt and the only way to win is shoot a portal on the GOD DAMN MOON and suck that asshole into space! And you go out there too like a motherfucking Jedi! And GLaDOS pulls your tits back in because it’s too god damn cold out there.
Then you wake up and these little robots are all like “hooray!” but you don’t know who they are ’cause they’re in co-op mode and PSN is down like a motherfucker so you haven’t played that shit.
And GLaDOS is all like “I’m Caroline now so I won’t kill you lolz I deleted that bitch but Imma let you go anyway.” Then she kicks you out with your companion cube so you have something to hump in the cold wasteland. Then she sings your ass a song ’cause that’s how she rolls.
Anyway, this game is sweet.
of Press Pause Radio. Sorry I didn’t credit you, brother!)
Hello Internet, and get ready to listen to the new and improved Ballscast 2.0! In this episode we talk about bears driving cars, dirty words in scrabble, which video game vixens we’d make sweet love to, Portal 2, the PSN outtage, and Nintendo’s next console. And why the Dreamcast sucked.
(Oh, and in the intro I call Ballsrog the “Gangstar of Video Games” which is a term coined by GeorgieBoysAXE of Press Pause Radio. Sorry I didn’t give you props!)
So download that shit and put it in your ears! Right click below and select “Save As” or “Save Link As” or search for us on iTunes and Zune!
Show Notes: WordPress won’t let me put links in here. So just Google “Enviro-Bear,” “Pogo Scrabble,” “Press Pause Radio,” and “Crush! Frag! Destroy!” Also, fuck WordPress.
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